Monday, December 3, 2012

No Escape, Even in Dreams

Today has been an unusually difficult day. My husband's family left yesterday, and his friend who was visiting left a couple of hours after them, and then we were alone like usual. It is nice to be alone, in my preferred state, but I will miss having his family around.

Today, I did not have much intention of going to my classes. I was going to take my car back to the place where we bought it and they were going to give it a look-over and address any issues. But, I didn't do that. I stayed in bed. I went on the computer for a little while then fell back asleep.

I keep thinking about my brother, in my dreams and when I wake up. I dreamed that I went to visit his old room in the house where we grew up, and I dreamed that it was so messy with soda cans and used plates everywhere. I started cleaning it up, but I was overwhelmed with grief that he would never be able to do it himself and he would never be able to just sit in the middle of it and do nothing. I would never be able to berate him for being messy. None of that. I remember some other strange parts - that there was a giant roach pulled out of some pool's filter, that I bought a cage and filled it with two different birds and a tiny kitten and a hamster, that I downed a bunch of jello shots. I also dreamed that my mom came in to the room and just lied down on her face on the floor because we both realized we were too hurt to move or do anything, but it just made things worse for me. And I dreamed that one of my husband's friends from Australia invited me into her car and prayed over me - just being around her made me feel so much better.

I kind of have some of the parts fuzzed up otherwise, as far as waking up and thinking about things just to end up crying myself back to sleep. I wish that these memories were something I could just rip out and ignore, that I could somehow forget he was ever there or just pretend that he moved away to another place and he was just never in town or online. I wish that so much because this grief is so paralyzing and otherworldly. I wasn't ready for it. I wish that, instead, he had a terminal disease and I could have said some things to him while he was close to death. I wish that he had been in an accident and didn't die on impact but a week later after I was there and I had been able to at least know what was coming. I wish that he had been able to anticipate his own death instead of it stealing him away so fast.

I have so many wishes and so many regrets. Right now I kind of wish the world would end so I could see what is really on the other side and so I could stop grieving for my little brother who was supposed to outlive me by decades. I hate being so selfishly distant from others/the world/reality and stuck on this, but I can't help feeling almost cosmically wronged because of this loss. I know that isn't the truth at all - just a perception because of where I live and my culture. I know people all over the world experience personal loss much worse than mine all the time and with sickening frequency. I just can't rationalize myself out of this, I guess. I can't drown out my issues with alcohol or drugs like some people do. I can't stop fearing that someone close to me is going to die and I am going to lose my sanity. I hate this.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Grief and New Perspectives

Grief is probably going to be the most constant trend on this blog for quite a while.

Let me explain a little, in case you don't know me.

My brother, Devin, died in a car crash on July 2, 2012 (almost five months ago). He was my only sibling, he was less than 15 months younger than I am (23 when he died). I will explain more about it in the future, but this isn't that day.

Today I just want to kind of mull over how his death has changed a lot in the world for me. My heart has always been pretty soft, I have always had a large sense of empathy. I am a bleeding-hearted person - at least I think so. But I have never really dealt with death before this... I have had great-grandparents pass away, but I didn't get to go to their funerals (I think my mom was trying to shelter me, maybe too much). I have heard of acquaintances or old friends dying, and sometimes they hurt more than others, but still they never really hit home.

So, this death has really changed me. I am so indignant at the world now, so mortified by the idea of "optional" deaths. I don't know if that's the best word for it, but I mean death that has come about as the result of someone else's choice. Death penalties, wars, murders... stuff like that. They are so unjust to me, and I can hardly bear the thought that someone would dare support one group of people systematically taking away other people's lives over an idea or ideology.

I know that this is not actually something I would wish on anyone, but part of me wishes that everyone could experience deep, personal, sudden loss and grief. I think that if this happened, people would be so much kinder to others and more respectful of life. I know it would have different effects on different people, but I still think most people would have a softer heart in the end, and would be more prone to advocacy for the oppressed and weak. I wish I could live in that world, where every death was a tragedy for everyone because everyone is someone's daughter, son, sister, brother, mother, father, friend, lover.

Then again, I don't know if this changed outlook is always for the best. It makes me more sensitive to deaths, but sometimes it makes me indignant when people try to compare their own losses to mine. Sometimes it makes me want to avoid people or organizations if I know that they will try to justify wars and deaths, or if they believe that some lives are worth more than others. This sort of thing is difficult to me, because I don't and can't reach that same conclusion anymore (if I ever could at all). I get frustrated that those ideas exist and I get frustrated that I can't change them. I get disgusted by the very idea of it and I don't want to be around those people at all. The unfortunate thing for me is, most people believe in some sort of justified "optional" death - in some way. And unfortunately, now I am ultra-sensitive to picking out remarks about that sort of thing. If someone makes a slight reference to being pro-war, my mind decides immediately that there is something not to like about that person. Does that even make sense? I don't know.

I guess that's most of what I was thinking about today. A friend of mine had a sister-in-law pass away, and even though I had never even met this girl, I started crying about it. My whole cycle of being indignant about death started up again, though I don't know what happened to this girl. I am kind of like a bucket of tears just waiting for another loss to mourn over. I know this isn't entirely healthy, but that's where I am right now.